whateva

whateva, whateva, whateva, whateva... how can i really think i ever was a friend when all you've ever done is lie. i have no clue who you really are. i'm the type that likes to know the people i consider friends. dirty secrets and all. the way i feel about you... hmpth... friendship... so not possible. why would i ever trust you again when to save face... to stand by lies is more important to you than anything. i know what i heard. you are foul. beyond redemption. fuck you. and honestly that soul mate shit is really a fucked up niche you got going. i wonder how many of those you have. hmpth..... there really is no telling. now i'm done with it. i won't speak of you again in this blog or any other.

da bomb

south beach that is. finally something i can stick to and something that is working even when you slack up a bit. damn i'm gonna be so damn fine. apparently i am already. the world ain't ready. they really ain't ready.

let sleeping dogs lie

what the? why, can't you leave me alone. just leeb me lone. something is different. it's quite different now. i really have had enough. i need to be respected. i need someone to make sacrifices to be with me if need be. i need to know i'm special by action not by word or a feeling. shit... although there are fond memories of our cohabitation... truth be told... it was more bullshit than anything... why else was i always leaving. everytime i came back it was just the beggining to an inevitable exit. so why do i have fond anything.. i'm thinking now it was merely desperation. that was a very desperate time in my life. i needed to believe that someone could love such a tragically fucked up individual such as myself at that time. i would have surely perished. surely done something so completely insane if he wasn't there for me. but he has served his purpose in my life. it sounds so very fucked up to say. but perhaps this was for a season rather than a lifetime. lord knows i mourn the loss or rather the absence of energies that used to be comforting and endeared. but those feelings have subsided and now their very presence has become something unfamiliar... something that requires too much work.

i just don't trust. without trust what can you possibly have. there is no willingness. there is really no effort. honestly i think there is no real desire. so shit, a sister has got to move on. what am i teaching my daughter if i continue to hold on to something that ain't trying to hold on to me. i'm teaching her desperate love... the kind of love i see black women succombing to... the kind of love that disgusts me. let me know my man loves me. not just from a feeling but from the way he conducts his life. let me be in his everything. let the world know that Takiyah Akilah Dalton is his woman. Let him profess his love to me and live by his words not just for a day but always. shit... that's what i deserve because that's what i'd give.

uh oh

i think this mo-fo might try to sue for custody. i have the sneaky suspicion. i could be paranoid, but ya just don't know what people are capable of. he's got some nerve. everything went fine. he came, he scooped. he payed 600 for 7-8 pieces of clothing (what a label whore...for a growing child no less). he brought her back to me, drama free. even hugged me.

apparently he has ordered furniture and painted her room pink. under normal circumstances this would be great. but the mo-fo just got served papers and he hasn't mentioned it once. hasn't acknowledged it. it's like really creeping me out. i'm scared. in my heart i know that would be so completely off the wall. but crazy shit happens all the time. what the!

off to get mattie some food....

mo fo

this mo-fo is on imdb. wtf