what is that

what does it mean. how come men don't like to tell people they are hanging out with me. how come no one in their life knows anything about me. i'm just that chic they lie to. i love you. i want a life with you. lets build something. but when i'm riding right beside you and your phone rings and the person on the other end asks "what are you doing"... hanging out with takiyah... is never the response.

ok, this would have been a fluke if it happened once. but i thought back and realized it had happened before and now it happens again. what exactly does this mean?

little slut

so once again i'm in agony. i really need a friend and there is no one. my kid is trying to grow up so fast. doing things some adults shouldn't even be doing. cell phone for her birthday is biting me in the ass. i have my sister for a daughter. can't talk to her dad. terrified to make a move cuz of this. want to creep back into my cave and never come back out.

how is it that a person as sweet as me has no friends. i'd give my right breast for a friend. those who know me... know this. how come i don't have any one in my corner. why am i so hard to love. for that matter, why is it so hard to find a job. shit is just hard lately. perhaps i was just sailing around way too long and now the shit has hit the fan and it's time for me to get to work.

this is good stuff... i know. but damn why did it call for me to see my kid acting provactively. why must i have that image in my head haunting me. i guess it's the spit in the mud.

toxic

perhaps i find myself in toxic relationships because i'm actually the toxic element. maybe i'm flawed so much that men are completely unable to care for me. clearly i'm the contributing factor to all of the crap that has happened to me. i'm unlovable. everything that has happened in my life points to that one conclusion. jam was right... cancerous and antagonistic. my presence in peoples life only brings misfortune.

stuck

i miss him sorta. maybe i miss the the idea of him. obviously i didn't think i was as expendable as i have proven to be. no matter what really meant until you move on romantically then you gets the boot. it's a shame..... really it is. i really thought that throughout all of the toxic, unhealthy, bullshit that underneath all of that was something pure and worth holding on to.

i doubt i'll ever really feel the same for anyone else. i just don't think my heart will allow me to adore someone like that ever again. for me, if i love you, i will always love you. the intensity for which i care for him fills a large part of my heart up so clearly whomever i end up with will be short changed. but it's all good. i always knew my feelings really were unrequited. actions really do speak louder than words in the end. time always unveils the truth.

luckily for me i was never deceitful and was always true with my shit... so no regrets, just uncontrollable episodes of melancholy that nothing soothes but time and the busyness of life.