crush

i have to admit, i got a crush on dude. i'm sooooo attracted to dudes that are smarter than me. on another note........

this is becoming quite sad. i'm in love with someone who's actions say "fuck you" for lack of a better term. i can write poem after poem, create these idealistic notions of our love (souls connected). but the fact of the matter is, it's over and the reality of the relationship was that it was abusive and pathetic.

and still that man has my heart unconditionally..... i feel him like no other..... he don't have to claim me, i'm his.... true, i refuse to speak to him or see him because i refuse to let him disrespect me, use me and dishonor what we share... but let him get his shit straight and i'll come running... it will probably be too late then, but that's the only way for us.

otherwise, i'm here and have no intentions on connecting with anyone that way again. i am content in my solitude.

but back to dude. i'd love to meet him.... since that ain't happening, i'll continue to watch the screen so that i may catch a glimpse here and there, of his brilliance. it's not a physical thing. i just want to know him. be in his circle of friends even if he intimidates me. he'd never know anyway; intimidation and teek isn't visible. unless, of course, he's intuitive like it. wouldn't that be awesome, a man with intelligence and a connection to the feminine (intuition)

let's see celibacy for um ur a little over 10 months. i'm finally beginning to experience pleasure or sensitivity, if you will, through penetration and i have no partner. the plastic thingy i'd been using is eroding and now the thought of anything other than a real man's organ entering my body disgusts me.

well, i do plan on giving those eggs a try. i will become an awesome lover someday. i will. i will enjoy receiving some day. i will. i will engage in sexual activity to connect and share one day. i will. i will receive affection and touch without giving it up, some day. i will.

or maybe not. perhaps i'm meant to either be without or with but in a toxic way. maybe there is no such thing as a healthy relationship for teek. who knows.

i wonder if dude is smarter than him? he's younger... i wonder if there is a balance there like my beloved. i think i'm intrigued because i sense alot of the same qualities. or maybe i'm plain crazy from lack of exposure to civilization.

in this crazy fucked up world, who knew how beneficial being around people, lots of people, is. i was a loner amongst something... now i'm just a loner testing out this connection we have to all things, like tree's and grass.....