ain't nuttin

not that i'll ever get married but i'm making a mental note to self just in case. do not have a wedding unless i can afford everything... do not ask people to be in your wedding that are poor because it is inconsiderate. i've spent at least $500 on this girls wedding and i'm just a bridesmaid. wtf!

it has crossed my mind recently that all of my friends have used me. i haven't gotten any usage out of them, but they have gotten more than enough from me. what is that all about? should i ask people for stuff more often? how does one go about that. i just have way too much pride.

on another note. mr man is living it up. that son of a bitch was putting up new gutters and has a damn sub zero stainless steel fridge. he don't even cook! he is gonna get his, in a major way. what sucks is that i don't really believe that. is it considered wrong when you aren't intentionally doing it to hurt someone, or is wrong, wrong. he SHOULD know better but maybe not. who the hells knows!

hopeless

is what they say. i would agree. i can't stop thinking about him. i want so bad for his words to be true. however, i just don't trust his ass! i just got back from vacation. i'm somewhat motivated to create but not really. i just want us to be together. but he has created all of this extra drama in his life. i don't like drama. i just want him. everywhere i turn people are coupled up and here i am alone for another year.

i thought i wanted to just have sex, casual, unattached sex. but i'm realizing now that i just want to connect with someone. i was watching some show on tlc and i realize that alot of the things i do is for attention. i guess i've known that for awhile. i just want someone to care. wonder what teeks up to. give a good god damn. ya know? he has so much shit going on all the time that it just doesn't seem like there is enough to also think about me.

i wish love was a simple thing. or maybe i don't. i don't know. i do wish i could take care of him like he took care of me. i wish there was a way for me to do that and also do what's best for my kid and myself. i often wonder if my desire for the relationship clouds my vision. perhaps we didn't have as good of a relationship or possibility as i thought. perhaps it's just the desperation of a lonely mildly attractive loser chic. i don't know......