perpetual

so maybe it's true that nothing makes me happy. perhaps i make all of this stuff up in my head. but i know i'm not crazy. i've always been known at work (every job i've ever had) for not taking any shit. however, in my other life i take so very much of it. people treat me like shit. i've never understood it. it's a perpetual theme in my life. the people i'm most closest too are the biggest offenders. the man i wanted to spend the rest of my life with constantly lies to me and insults my intelligence. my mother looks upon me with great disdain on a daily basis and refuses to acknowledge favortism on her part. my friends omit me out of their life until they want or need something from me.

now i'm not saying i have no love in my life. i'm very much loved. my family has done so much for me. and will continue to.

i'm so sad and alone. i find old journals and all i ever write about is how sad and alone i feel. i'm 32. never had any real and healthy, romantic love from a man and most likely never will. i've lost my independence and i'm struggling to get it back. i put one foot forward and i swear there is always some asshole waiting to jam my toes with a broomstick.

i haven't excercised with any regularity in two weeks. if there is any doubt on your part, teek, that you need excercise then read this post over and over until you comprehend. excercise is preventative maintenance.

asshole in full effect

mr man says that he can't take her to hershey park because he's giving to the hurricane katrina victims. what the fuck? today is my birthday. and. asshole sends me a card talking some complete nonsense. no matter what he does he can't please me. so essentially he's telling me that he's not capable of being honest. well i'm not capable of selling myself short any longer either. to require so little of someone and they still give excuses for the little requirements you have just takes up too much energy. fuck em! that's what i say. my tarot says that i've reached a crossroads and that i could choose one of two paths or skip out altogether and create my own shit. so that's what i'm going to do. i'm going to stop bashing myself with such self hate and loathing and i'm gonna start loving myself. i'm gonna start cherishing my spirit and acknowledging to myself that i am indeed a good person, capable of greatness. all the signs point to it. so what am i waiting for. stop being potentially successful and be fucking successful. stop thinking and reduce yourself to a fool. i'm realizing now that a fool just lives. they give no thought to useless and unrealized things. they work with whats right in front of them.

for me there are no obstacles but myself. so gosh darnit.............