happy birthday to me: yeah yeah

ain't nothing going down. just another day. a-hole didn't make a deposit, so what's new. called to wish me a happy birthday in typical fashion but didn't call back after we got disconnected. whatever. he's such a jackass. then dude say he's gonna send me something and in typical fashion he calls me wondering if he should send it.

i'm so tired of motha fucka's and their excuses for everything. making an excuse has never, can i say never, worked for me but these assholes make a habit of the shit.

i'm so irritated right now. all in all my birthday was ah ight, it ain't over but it's pretty much over. i guess the car was a birthday gift and that's cool. these days i require very little. i just wish people kept their word and could be counted on.

i miss my father soooooooo much, the more i allow myself to think about it the more upset i get. how in the hell could he just cast all of the people who were most important to him out of his life without so much as an explanation. we deserve so much more than that. maybe i'll write him a letter. that's a good idea, except that i think i might get hostile.

i'm not dealing too well. a good friend of mine told me she wouldn't deal with me if i continue to dwell on the past. like what you've been through is fucked up but things are looking up so get the fuck over it. she does have a point. it's just so hard to let go. on the surface i still appear to be a looser and i guess that's what bugs me. it's like i want to tell everyone i meet that i use to be somebody. but if that's the case then what am i now? NOBODY!

i've gone from a dasher, to a quantum, from a 240sx to a honda accord and now on the eve of my 31st birthday i now am on a rent to own for a 76' chevette. this is my life!

lately i've had quite a few idea's pop into my head and they just might come into fruition. i don't know what to expect from this show in november but things seem to be coming into place.

although i enjoy convo with mr. man, i'm highly suspect of his resurgence. i honestly don't know why i continue to pick up the phone. i can't even imagine being with him anymore. i used to have a crystal clear picture of us. now there is nothing. he has, what seems to me, too much going on, for me to fit into his life the way i would want to. i'm just not willing to sell myself short anymore.

so, i will begin work on these prints and i will once again change up my site to incorporate my new endeavor.

i will have money again! and the 2nd time around it won't go to waste. i will be self-employeed and you can take that to the bank. i will have an athletic body. and i've decided that when i can, i'm gonna take up boxing. i think i could kick some serious tail. nobody could touch me in bootcamp for hand to hand combat. i even gave the drill sergeant a run for his money. so i think i could do. hard core baby! i already have the perfect nose for impact. (if any of them broads ever get that close....hehehe)

well i'm off. because a couple of more idea's have popped into my head since typing. peace!

easily irritated

i need to find some online boards that i like to respond in. i love nappturality but alot of the posters irk me. i guess people in general irk me. napp reminds me of the call center i spent 5 years in. to much damn bickering, back stabbing, unnecessary comments, gossip, etc. but anywho

there has got to be a way to get out of here. i have so many desires, it's hard to ascertain which one i should be following. i love to ski, and this year i'll get to because of my new job. i love to travel, that one will be hard. i loved drawing and painting at the dod's soi and i think i'd love it period if i had the same set up.

there are so many classes i want to take. i need to make a list and develop a plan of action.

i need to get out of stuck mode. i think i'm slowly prying myself out, i just need more patience (i guess).

ok, i'm not talking about much. peace