gotta job

and i've been crying the whole time. you'd think employment finally after 2-2.5 years would be a joyous occasion. but no, it's the most stress i've had in a long time. i'm too damn old to have to be going through this. i feel like such a complete looser. i can't stop crying. i cry every time i think about how fucked up my life is.

how in the world is god gonna believe that i'm grateful carrying on like this. i just want it to end. what purpose do i serve here. i don't. i'm back in this place again. in hell, trying to dig myself out of it, but damn i'm tired. i'm just so damn tired of feeling like this.

redemption seems so far away! living is so hard, death is bliss. how is a person supposed to function when the space they live in is so hostile all the time. there is never a moments peace.

ok, i'm going to breathe, go upstairs, see what granma and grandaddy are up to, cuz i know the aid is taking off early as usual. then i'm going to sit at the table, eat a sandwich perhaps, drink some water and watch the food network while i draw some purse patterns.

we must get ready for this trunk show. i know it's in november, but i need to start now, if i plan on doing better than last year.

in the end, my heart knows i'm moving to higher ground. i just wish i wasn't so sensitive and could enjoy it more. this misery lifestyle i've developed is for the birds!!