i just want my friend back

i saw pic's of the prince today, and he is gonna be bad (in a good way). he's a cutie pie. anyway, it feels good to converse with him. i know i need to be careful. i wish it was a simple thing to turn off certain emotions. he doesn't understand it, but i guess he doesn't have to understand. shit i don't understand it.

i just want my friend back. life seems so much more colorful with him in it. too bad he's fucking poison.

as usual, at work, i'm picking up everything so quickly. when my heart is in it, i can be an awesome producer.

lately, i've been thinking about writing again. i know my first screenplay seemed senseless but i really think i could write better this time around. i wish we could work together. i dream about that all the time. that we end up making a living writing and directing together. i live in such a fantasy land. anyway, i'm off to eat some breakfast. i'm so bad with this whole eating in the morning thing.

peace out....hehehehehehehe

fool of me

yesterday i cried so hard and long that i developed a migraine. apparently i need meds. everything is peachy today. clearly, i'm crazy

gotta job

and i've been crying the whole time. you'd think employment finally after 2-2.5 years would be a joyous occasion. but no, it's the most stress i've had in a long time. i'm too damn old to have to be going through this. i feel like such a complete looser. i can't stop crying. i cry every time i think about how fucked up my life is.

how in the world is god gonna believe that i'm grateful carrying on like this. i just want it to end. what purpose do i serve here. i don't. i'm back in this place again. in hell, trying to dig myself out of it, but damn i'm tired. i'm just so damn tired of feeling like this.

redemption seems so far away! living is so hard, death is bliss. how is a person supposed to function when the space they live in is so hostile all the time. there is never a moments peace.

ok, i'm going to breathe, go upstairs, see what granma and grandaddy are up to, cuz i know the aid is taking off early as usual. then i'm going to sit at the table, eat a sandwich perhaps, drink some water and watch the food network while i draw some purse patterns.

we must get ready for this trunk show. i know it's in november, but i need to start now, if i plan on doing better than last year.

in the end, my heart knows i'm moving to higher ground. i just wish i wasn't so sensitive and could enjoy it more. this misery lifestyle i've developed is for the birds!!

numb

or maybe i'm dumb. he is living his life and i feel like i'm at a standstill. i wonder if he really want's to be with me? my mind, logical mind.. that is, says no. this whole situation is pretty fucked up and i'm the dumbest broad on earth. he will never meet me halfway, and i'm a fool to think it's possible.

on other news, i may have a job. dude finally called back. he complimented me on my artistry. we'll see. even if i get it, getting there will pose a challenge. but if i get it, i'm sure things will work out. man, if this happens for me, other things in my life will start to fall in place. all i need is some duckets to make things happen. oh well, we will find out soon enough.

i just pray i have the strength to keep on keeping on. anytime i stop to reflect i get super depressed. i'm going to be 31 real soon and this is my life. what the fuck!! see i'm getting all crazy now. it hurts so much. damn it hurts!!

ok why do i feel better after taking this stupid picture. i'm such a damn cry baby. jeesh, life goes on. i can choose to be miserable in it or roll with the fucked up punches man!

swolen

i'm really distressed about my leg. it's swelling up every damn day, whether i exercise or not. what the hell is going on. of course this crap happens when i have no insurance. of course dude never hit me back after my reply to his intial reply. why won't anyone hire me. i'm some kind of pariah.

on a good note, after 3 weeks, someone finally showed up for spin, and it's a black chic. so maybe i can play some floety, dancehall or whatever, instead of creed and shit like that.

i think of him everyday, but damn i wish i had some bjork. i could really vibe off that right now. what thug-like negro that like's to light it up on the basketball court with his air jordans, cut off shirt and baggy shorts you know, likes bjork? has all of her cd's in fact. ok get over it already. damn!!

but for real, my leg hurts and i'm distressed. i can't keep pushing it. not going to the doctor, it's gone away before but it's back and for all i know it could get worse. i could develop gout or something.

crush

i have to admit, i got a crush on dude. i'm sooooo attracted to dudes that are smarter than me. on another note........

this is becoming quite sad. i'm in love with someone who's actions say "fuck you" for lack of a better term. i can write poem after poem, create these idealistic notions of our love (souls connected). but the fact of the matter is, it's over and the reality of the relationship was that it was abusive and pathetic.

and still that man has my heart unconditionally..... i feel him like no other..... he don't have to claim me, i'm his.... true, i refuse to speak to him or see him because i refuse to let him disrespect me, use me and dishonor what we share... but let him get his shit straight and i'll come running... it will probably be too late then, but that's the only way for us.

otherwise, i'm here and have no intentions on connecting with anyone that way again. i am content in my solitude.

but back to dude. i'd love to meet him.... since that ain't happening, i'll continue to watch the screen so that i may catch a glimpse here and there, of his brilliance. it's not a physical thing. i just want to know him. be in his circle of friends even if he intimidates me. he'd never know anyway; intimidation and teek isn't visible. unless, of course, he's intuitive like it. wouldn't that be awesome, a man with intelligence and a connection to the feminine (intuition)

let's see celibacy for um ur a little over 10 months. i'm finally beginning to experience pleasure or sensitivity, if you will, through penetration and i have no partner. the plastic thingy i'd been using is eroding and now the thought of anything other than a real man's organ entering my body disgusts me.

well, i do plan on giving those eggs a try. i will become an awesome lover someday. i will. i will enjoy receiving some day. i will. i will engage in sexual activity to connect and share one day. i will. i will receive affection and touch without giving it up, some day. i will.

or maybe not. perhaps i'm meant to either be without or with but in a toxic way. maybe there is no such thing as a healthy relationship for teek. who knows.

i wonder if dude is smarter than him? he's younger... i wonder if there is a balance there like my beloved. i think i'm intrigued because i sense alot of the same qualities. or maybe i'm plain crazy from lack of exposure to civilization.

in this crazy fucked up world, who knew how beneficial being around people, lots of people, is. i was a loner amongst something... now i'm just a loner testing out this connection we have to all things, like tree's and grass.....

anxious

i want to write now, but i really have nothing worthwhile to say... perhaps i will try to compose a poem...

today
i am praying
for a better tommorrow
today
i am blessed
for matured friendship
and
four generations
under one roof
today
i am praying
for a way out of here
and
continued sanity
cuz, today
i am here
blessed to have one more day
praying that my dreams for the days to come
will come to past

pretty sassy

motivation carried on into today. swept and mopped the whole top floor. grand daddy woke me all early and i must admit i may have gotten evil to the point of disrespect. the man is in his late 80's. i even got some sewing done. i saw some pics on nappturality that seemed do-able so i went for it. i was looking at my body and i'm hoping i'm able to keep most of the weightloss from the master cleanse.

ma came home and i over ate.... i picked at a rotissere and ate both wings, then i snacked on some tortilla's. for supper i only ate half a sandwhich so i should be ok. lately, i've only been drinking water. lost the taste for my beloved diet dr. pepper. oh dang i forgot about the muffin i finished off when my daughter didn't want it. i'm quite the chef, by the way. with my baking knowledge i put together wheat banana nut muffins made without white products. and the one smore's and a couple of extra marshmellows. oh well, i'll just kick it up a notch at the gym if my leg allows.

went to the track today, walked half a lap and went home. my pelvic area has swelling and i noticed my leg was swollen when i changed into my jogging shorts. i don't even know what that is about seeing that i was in the house all weekend with grandma and granddaddy. i'm concerned. and we are all out of advil... damn

anyway, i'm not talking about shit.... just killing the time till def poetry

here's what i consider the best pic of my garment creations today

idealistic, perhaps

i couldn't sleep last night. i was up till 3:30 which is crazy for me. i normally go to bed at 10, 11 at the latest. anywho, i'm feeling this blog thing for right now. my mind was filled with thought, so i had to write it down.

each one teach one cuz he ain't heavy: building communities one block at a time

• focuses on one neighborhood/zip code at a time
• assembles and supports block associations
  1.) responsible for addressing the needs of the block by:
  - developing top 3 list
  - using talent database as a resource
  - implement a plan to resolve the issues (issue examples: 2340 needs roof repair, 2350, 2349 & 2352 needs more affordable and convenient daycare, front yard intiative for the block, etc.)
• develops a community talent database
• maintains and recruits for the talent database
• host get to know you parties
• raises funds
• introduces ideas and strategies to boost commerce and keep cashflow within the community, ie. co-ops, black yellow pages, etc.
• hold merchants and business owners accountable with approval ratings and demands quality service for residents by organizing workshops, developing area specific coupons, etc.

anyway, this is an idea i've had for quite some time now. whenever i fantasize about winning the lottery or finally getting a career in film, i think about what charities or organizations i would develop. coming from the suburbs, i always appreciated tightknit communities and neighborhoods and understood just how beneficial to our people developing them could be. honestly, i believe we all have something to offer our communites and i frown heavily on those so pressed to leave as soon as their paycheck allows. i think we come from a grossly mis-informed generation that has greatly suffered from the supposed liberation of desegregation........

soul mated

it's incomprehensible by some
yet recognizable by all
it's a gut wrenching sob
and a heart dropping moment
it's love
in a pure form
the kind that does not require work to endure
it's the soul mated
providing a wonderful balance
of the feminine and masculine
yet not dependent on the union of those energies
instead they exist in parallel ecstasy
enriching, healing, loving

alzheimer’s disease

it's such a cruel disease. this may be wrong, but each day i find myself praying that my grandmother be taken. she calls out "oh lord' quite frequently as if she is ready. my grandmother enjoyed life and really savored the important things like charity, family and fellowship. in contrast, my paternal grandmother, who has also been diagnosed with this affliction often spoke of "being hit by a bus". it does not discriminate. it's difficult for me to grasp and just like with famine and apartheid it's hard to justify in my mind. a mind that believes everything that happens is for good, whether it's apparent or not.

my grandmother has gotten mean and violent. most of the times it is directed at me and no-one else. i am clawed and often have to dodge a shoe or walker. i've always believed my grandparents disliked me. i find myself siting the attacks as proof. i'm not quite sure if i truly believe it or if it's a means to justify sitting on the pity pot.

my grandfather gets on my last nerve. he holla's constantly at my grandmother in the middle of the night about the most ridiculous things. we chastise him with an irritaed tone and 1 minute later he's at it again. he doesn't have alzheimer's but sometimes the dimentia seems worse.

recently an old friend of my mother's came to visit and he noted how wonderful it is to see 4 generations in the same household. it brought a tear to my eye. as much as i complain.. in my heart i know that this experience is a blessing.... crap detail and all.

i don't know

suprisingly my eating was on point... of course i busied myself washing clothes and cleaning out the refrigerator, in addition to seeing after my grandparents. grandma slept all day, which means she will be up all night. i've gotten inspired so i may start sewing tonight. i feel motivated, i even applied for a job today. re-wrote my resume and drafted a cover letter with the greatest of ease. i've been suprising myself all day.

i wonder why when my mother is here, i get nothing accomplished. i swear her energy zaps me. i guess i feel like such a fuck up and failure when she is around. i have to keep telling myself that these past 4-5 years are neccessary for the tremendous success i will achieve in my 30's. this is preparation; to keep me grounded, centered and an wonderful opportunity for me to develop that much needed virtue called patience.